Picture Credits: leavealittlelighton on Pinterest
Introduction
Social media is a type of people-pleasing.
Is it not?
Trying to get the most likes.
But, more importantly-
Seeing what others think about stuff.
Letting them influence you,
(They’re called influencers for a reason.)
Developing opinions that aren’t right.
Because the thing about social media is that it’s basically a brainwashing platform.
It sucks you into rabbit holes and refuses to expose you to perspectives, to content, that you’re not interested in.
Including opinions you don’t like.
That’s just how the algorithm works.
Unless you purposefully engage with content that goes against your opinions.
However, many people don’t do that.
Meaning your tolerance for people who aren’t like you goes down.
Which creates this weird full circle where you both please people and hate them at the same time.
But the thing is, this isn’t a problem unique to social media alone.
It is a problem for any environment in which one grew up subconsciously learning that differences meant defects, not individuality.
This essay is a letter to all the people-pleasers out there.
Also, the people who resent people.
Past, present, future.
How We’re All Connected
We are all connected.
The Divine Consciousness connects us all.
This Divine Consciousness is what empathy prospers on.
You can only know God as much as you know yourself, your life, and all the factors in it.
You are your greatest connection to Him.
And by connecting to Him, you can feel others’ stories.
“People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves.”
— Matt Kahn
You know everything God has allowed you to know.
“Matter is nothing but trapped energy.”
“…pure energy is the father of creation.“
— Vittoria Vetra, from ‘Angels and Demons’ by Dan Brown
We are linked through this energy.
It is essential that we tap into this energy to achieve illumination.
But the way to do that isn’t through fear.
It is through love.
The only fear we must feel is the fear of losing that love.
While trusting that all things work for good, and that God is the best of planners.
People-Pleasing:
1) People-Pleasing Comes from a Place of Fear.
People-pleasing is a defense mechanism one learns after realizing that people can hurt them.
In response, they please people so that people won’t hurt them.
People-pleasing isn’t just something people do because ‘they feel like it’.
It comes from a place of fear.
They are afraid of the very thing they labor for.
They hope that by satiating the aggressor, they won’t be attacked.
2) How People-Pleasing is Counter-Intuitive
People-pleasing is not networking
People-pleasing is not being a good person; in fact, it pushes you further away from who you want to be and truly are
People-pleasing is not ‘telling them the truth in a gentle way’.
It’s covering up the truth.
People-pleasing is being two-faced.
Face it.
I’m not saying you’re bad for that; you learned a coping mechanism to survive in this world.
But you need to change that.
Being diplomatic is being kind to people who are struggling (what many term as ‘bad people’).
But not hiding them from the truth.
You need to be a mirror that tells them the truth.
Not one that puts a filter on them.
The truth isn’t a bitter pill, but the way you deliver it is.
Be kind in the way you deliver the truth.
But, most importantly: make your truth understandable to others.
Be direct yet gentle.
Keep your intentions pure.
If somebody else doesn’t want to keep their intentions pure, that’s not your problem.
People-Hating
1) Link to People-Pleasing
Now, the thing about people-pleasing is that…
Resentment is bound to build up.
It’s inevitable.
You don’t feel seen.
You don’t feel heard.
And you will break down questioning why.
I’ll tell you why.
It’s because, despite prioritizing other people’s feelings above your own, nobody seems to do the same for you.
It is because, despite your self-preservation tendencies manifesting in people pleasing, you still feel as if you’re eroding.
Not only is your truth not being acknowledged, but you aren’t being true to yourself.
So you start resenting yourself for that, too.
And you start resenting everybody else as well.
2) Being Surrounded by Idiots
Now, the simple truth is that many of us may consider other people dumb.
One day (especially as a people-pleaser), you will realize that you’ve had enough.
That you don’t care if you end up alone.
(Some people might never have cared to begin with, though.)
In fact, you’d be glad if people left you the hell alone.
You will no longer give two craps about other people’s feelings.
My father once said that there’s a saying that goes in the industry he works in.
“Tell someone to go to hell nicely, and they might just look forward to it.”
Which, I guess, was his misquotation of:
“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.“
— Winston Churchill
I accepted his pearls of wisdom at the moment, but later I thought:
”But I don’t want them to look forward to it. I want them to feel the gravity of what they have done.”
”I want them to be scared.”
“I want them screaming as they’re being dragged into the pits of hell.”
(Very morbid thoughts, I know.)
But you must see that this is what scared me.
Who I became during conflict.
Who I became when I allowed myself to not seem like a harmless sheep to people.
It was awful…ly enlightening!
The thing you must realize is that your approach to people must be moderate.
Do not be too lenient so as to completely dismiss their bad actions.
Do not be too harsh so as to scare the lamb.
We must seek rehabilitation, not retribution.
3) The Identity Crisis
Make sure you actually define who you want to be during a conflict.
I realized that the reason why I was so conflict-avoidant, hence, people-pleasing, was because when I did get into conflict, it turned really, really ugly.
Think all-I-can-think-about-is-the-anger type of ugly.
Think I’m-literally-devising-a-murder-plan-in-my-head type of ugly.
And the guilt and rage were often just too much for me.
What I didn’t have was an idea of the type of person I’m supposed to be during a conflict, because I wanted to avoid that friction at all costs.
So here’s how you’re going to figure that out:
By defining boundaries you will not cross during a conflict.
Noticing patterns.
Learning what you must do during conflict, what works for you.
Whether it be asking for space, communicating your thoughts openly, whatever.
The basic idea is that you must expose yourself to conflict so that you can actually study and optimize your conflict system.
3) The Critic’s Dilemma
Now, if you’re like me, you might say, “If I let myself get into conflict, I’d be criticizing everyone at every turn.“
But that’s the thing.
What gives you that right?
Now, another important thing to acknowledge is that the reason why you might suffer from so much internal conflict caused by external stimuli is because you view that external stimuli as a threat to your internal system.
The values you operate by.
The logic you operate by.
But not everything is so personal, hun.
Stop taking things so personally.
You know how in religious texts, it’s written that we are responsible for our own actions, and nobody else’s?
Exactly.
You are not responsible for others’ actions.
So why are you trying to control them, love?
The only thing you can control is your actions.
Your responses.
Nothing less, nothing more.
It’s important to realize that, as an alternative to venting out your frustrations about people, but refusing to say any of that to their face because of your people-pleasing, you will start backbiting.
It’s natural.
But it reinforces negative feelings.
You can’t speak directly to that person because of your conflict-avoidance, so you criticize them behind their back with someone else who wants to do the same, also satisfying your people-pleasing.
In fact, even if you didn’t have any critiques of a particular person, if somebody else starts talking crap about them with you, you’ll likely go along with it because you think that if you defend the person being criticized, or if you tell the gossiper to stop backbiting, you’re going to be attacked.
Sometimes, you might go along with it for different reasons, though.
Sometimes, you’ll go along with it because you’re gathering data.
You don’t want to get close enough to another person to be hurt.
So you use other people as a sacrifice, as a trial run.
They’ve already been in the deep end—who better to tell you what it’s like there?
But here’s the thing.
People dramatize.
People deceive.
And while deception is something we all should avoid due to basic morality, lots of people still do it.
So why do you trust their word?
Okay, so maybe a lot of people don’t like a certain person because they’re prone to hurting others unnecessarily.
But really, how can you believe anyone’s word without seeing the evidence in front of your eyes?
Propaganda is a thing.
Smear campaigns are a thing.
People talk crap about others because they have no life.
You don’t need to be as lifeless as they are.
Sure, if someone does something bad, and you have seen the evidence yourself, you don’t have to say, “It’s fine.“
Honestly, I’d much rather you said it to their faces.
But you shouldn’t point them out behind their backs.
If you want to make a general comment on society, sure, go ahead.
But honestly, who’re you to judge society?
I mean, you are a part of it, afterall.
You are as flawed as everyone else.
Which brings me to my next point…
Individuality.
Remember how I said you’re likely internally conflicted all the time because others’ actions threaten your internal system?
Well…
Everyone’s different.
I mean, think about it, how boring would the world be if everyone were like you?
You need to learn to accept diversity.
Adapt to it.
You may think that equality is something that has garnered more awareness now than ever before.
Has it?
Don’t we still discriminate?
Leftists vs Rightists.
Men vs Women
When will it end?
Nothing has changed, yet nothing is the same.
The costume has changed, yet the essence is still the same.
We hate each other for how different we are.
Instead of accepting each other’s differences.
There is nothing sadder than that.
”I’m right, you’re wrong.”
I’m afraid the world is more nuanced than that.
You don’t even know the story of someone, and you automatically judge that they deserve hell as if you’re God.
Nothing’s more naive.
I’m going to take a blunt example.
Pedophiles.
Politicians.
Do you realize just how much therapy they need to have turned out like that?
No, it is not fun to be a bad person.
Trust me, it is a bigger hell for the committer of sins than for the watcher of them.
Most people assume they will suffer the consequences of their actions in the afterlife.
Little do they realize that they’re suffering them in the here and now.
They might not even realize the hell they’re in.
Because the thing is, committing sins is a scar to the self.
Some people might even enjoy it.
But then, when finally faced with a mirror, they break down.
That’s why they’re so defensive.
Because, despite everything, even those you perceive as the worst of people still have a conscience.
Even they can feel God.
Really, for people like these, you need to pity them.
Help them be better.
And hate—
Hate is going to get you nowhere.
That will only increase their resentment toward the world.
Nobody goes near snarling animals.
Besides, and I say this especially for the religious/spiritual folk, how can you love God without loving all His creations?
Humanity is literally considered the best of His creations.
Do you seriously think God makes mistakes?
You might think of them as monsters, but inside the wolf is a scared lamb trying to protect itself by being vile.
Do you wish to further scare the lamb?
Further agitate it?
Further fuel its aggression towards humanity?
Every single one of us is on their own unique path.
”But that doesn’t give them the right to do this, to do that.”
Yes, it doesn’t.
It never will.
But don’t you think darkness is what accentuates the light?
Don’t you think, if shown the light in their shroud of darkness, they will be able to distinguish better between good and bad?
And, if we hate them, won’t we be adding to their shroud of darkness instead?
We do NOT get to judge them for their actions.
Stop trying to play God.
They are exactly where they’re meant to be.
You must seek to understand, not to be understood (and yes, that was a ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People‘ reference).
Even if you wanted to teach them that they’re wrong about something, you literally can’t do that if you don’t put yourself in their shoes.
I’ve noticed that on social media, people constantly blab: “I could NEVER be like that.“
Why?
That may sound blunt, maybe even dumb to some of you, but seriously, though—why?
Do you actually lack empathy and depth so much that you can’t picture yourself in another person’s shoes?
Empathy is not selective.
Empathy allows you to put yourself in another person’s shoes.
And you can only explain an important truth to someone if you are at their level.
If you can see how they’re thinking, why they’re thinking the way they are…
That’s how you’ll learn to communicate your truth to others.
You need to explore other people with curiosity.
Whether it’s through childlike wonder or detached interest, it doesn’t matter.
But you can’t communicate a truth if you’re braying like a donkey.
Sorry, not sorry.
If someone has said something you deem problematic, literally just ask them curiously, “Why do you think that way?“
Instead of attacking them like a rabid dog.
Your ideas must resonate with people if you want them to truly change.
And you can’t do that if you don’t make it resonate with their current thinking.
”Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.”
— Marie Curie
Hate is man’s way of channeling fear into something ‘stronger‘, something that gives them control.
In reality, there’s nothing more foolish, dumber, and weaker than it.
There is a beauty in not letting your worst instincts take over you.
There is a beauty in submitting to the world’s chaos.
4) Learning to Let Go
The thing is, some people won’t heed your advice.
Some people, even if what you said resonated with their thinking, will choose to not listen.
And that’s okay.
That’s not on you.
You did your part.
You can teach others as best as you can, but ultimately, people are going to give their own tests of life.
You can’t give their tests for them.
You need not hate them, nor control them.
Just let them be.
They will come to you themselves if they feel that they truly need your help.
Learn to let go of people who aren’t willing to change.
You don’t have to like what they’re doing.
Allow your disapproval to simply exist.
Accept it.
I believe what many of us think is that by expressing out disapproval, other people will change.
That if we work it out, if we find a way to get rid of the object of our disapproval, these feelings will go away.
But that’s not how it works.
One fine day, during an exam, I was pondering some words a classmate of mine had said.
I had asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up.
She responded with “Sleep.“
I took the answer, but I didn’t accept it.
I disapproved of her carefree attitude.
And, now that I think about it, part of me wonders whether our disapproval is a mask for our envy.
”They’re so carefree despite the fact that they don’t have everything together. I can’t do that, so why can they?”
I feel like it’s jealousy of the fact that they’re still smiling, still going, still resilient despite it all.
Still living, when their state is your version of hell.
It’s disapproval of the fear of failure not being there.
Our fears are like this giant wall that guard a haven we want to get to.
But what many people don’t realize is that you don’t have to climb the wall.
In fact, that’s virtually impossible without proper equipment.
You have to go through it.
Become it.
In order to see the other side.
And when you see other people going through that wall…
It feels…discomfitting, to say the very least.
I’m asking you to let yourself succumb to your fears so that you can see the other side.
I’ll tell you a story:
I was the type of kid who was so afraid of failure, I couldn’t even consider the possibility of getting anything less than an A in any subject.
So, in eighth grade, my systems failed.
Why?
Because I was letting my fear control me.
My reason for studying was fear.
I didn’t get the grades I wanted in some subjects.
But you know what I realized?
Honestly, when I look back at it, it’s really funny.
I pictured myself rising from a collapsing building and saying:
”Wow. I’m still alive. How convenient.”
There.
Full stop.
That’s the thing.
I let myself succumb to my fear, instead of letting it control me.
I know those two might sound like the same thing, but think of it like this:
I was running away from that fear earlier, letting it control me.
But then I was forced to stop running.
I quite literally hugged the fear.
Became it.
And then I realized that it was never something to worry about.
Because I’m still alive.
And it helped me realize that I couldn’t become what I feared.
Because I confronted that fear head-on instead of running from it.
Instead of responding to its whims.
They say you attract what you fear.
Here’s why.
In this story, my haven wasn’t being somebody who didn’t give two craps about life.
It was becoming somebody who enjoyed life.
The fear, the wall, was that if I started enjoying life, I would become more carefree and stop caring about things that actually matter, such as my education.
But, once I actually let myself hug that wall, become it, go through it, I realized one thing:
Enjoyment did not contradict being successful.
If anything, enjoyment was the only thing that made being successful worth it.
I started enjoying all the processes.
The highs and lows.
Everything.
But, anyway, back to me pondering the words of my classmate, I said, in my head, “I don’t like her.”
A tiny voice in my head responded, “Okay.“
Final.
And for some reason, freeing.
I always kept fighting my disapproval, trying to justify it by mulling over everything that others did wrong, or by trying to show myself how my disapproval was wrong because I didn’t know what it was like for those people.
I never let my feelings just exist.
Always trying to logic them away.
I guess I was afraid that by accepting my disapproval, I would allow it space to grow.
Little did I know it only grew when it was being fed with more and more content (which I provided every time I mulled over somebody else’s actions).
And that eventually led to self-resentment, too, because I knew what I was doing was wrong.
Some people fear that by accepting people who contradict their values, they will become what they fear.
But the thing is…
Rigidity stunts growth.
That fear is what gives not only people power over you, but the very thing you fear, too.
You are letting your fear control you.
Box you.
You must not let these fears create boundaries for you.
You must submit to the nothingness of no bounds, which promises infinite possibilities (a subtle reference to ‘The Forty Rules of Love’).
You must treat these fears like…chihuahuas.
Accept them for what they are.
Realize that you have more power over them than they ever will.
But let them have their own space, and appreciate them for it.
You can’t train a chihuahua how to interact with others if you never let it do so.
Love it right out of them.
Balance tough love with soft love.
4) Thorns & Roses
No matter what you do, there will always be people who dislike you.
One way or another.
It’s better to have people dislike you while staying true to yourself.
Being true to yourself is a form of self-love.
”…be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses".
— Shams of Tabriz, ‘The Forty Rules of Love’ by Elif Shafak
And remember, always focus on the bright side of things.
It might sound clichéd to say, but trust me, staying positive really works.
But toxic positivity does not work.
Remember to make space for your negative emotions too.
Let yourself cry it out.
More on how to channel your energy in my blog post:
Conclusion
So, in the end, it is your responsibility to foster an environment for growth.
Not just for yourself, but for others, too.
If others don’t want to heal, fine.
But you owe it to yourself to heal.
Healing, growing, is not about ‘fixing‘ ourselves.
It is learning to accept our differences, appreciating them for it.
Learning more and more about who we are as people, and not fighting each other for it.
We are not objects to be fixed; we are souls to be known and loved.
That’s how growth, how healing, starts.
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