The second half of 2024, for me, was mental torment — torture.
Just the sufferings of life.
I used to a bubbly, oversharing sort of person who never stopped smiling.
And suddenly, I wasn't.
I changed.
I had this realization, somewhere between April 8th, 2024 - April 10th, 2024.
"I think it is not that I am not sad anymore, but rather I am content with it — at peace with it — instead of fighting it and crying over it."
They say intelligent people aren't happy, that as you gain more knowledge, your mental stability decreases.
But who's to say anyone was mentally stable to begin with?
I believe it is not the people who survive in the dark that are truly the most intelligent, but the people who have learned to live in it.
People who have made friends with the animals,
the shadows,
the creatures of the night.
People who talk to the moon and stars like old friends.
People who still manage to see the stars amidst the pollution encroaching on the night sky.
Sadness is inevitable.
Sadness is the huge lake in front of you that you have no way of going under, or over, or around.
Just straight through.
Rather than drying out the lake, or drowning in it,
I have chosen to swim in it.
To float in it when I feel too tired.
And yes, there will be times when I lose control for a second and inhale water.
But I will regain that control just as easily.
I will use the lake to my benefit.
To learn swimming,
to fertilize the land,
to grow flowers and all sorts of fauna.
The point was never to get to the other side of the lake.
The point was to see what we would do with it.
I was sad that I couldn't be the little girl who was so carefree and joyful, the way I was before.
But maybe that wasn't a bad thing.
Because, honestly? That little girl's mind wasn't as expansive as it was now.
It wasn't a labyrinth to get lost in, with its endless possibilities, no matter how terrifying.
It wasn't a storm to observe, with lightning that crackled fascinatingly, even if it was frightening sometimes.
And I realized that, as much as I tried to convince myself that I hated it in my mind...
I realized I loved it.
An entire world.
In my mind.
Beautiful.
Fascinating.
Mine.
My mind's a haunted place.
I made friends with the ghosts.
Life was never meant to be sunshine and rainbows.
Nights are as valuable as days.
Life is beautiful.
But not in the 'everything is merry sense.'
Instead, it is like the roses on a grave.
Like the sky, a graveyard of stars.
Tragically beautiful
Life would not be like that were it not for the ethereal touch of sadness.
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